life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
