I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
