Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
