I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
