Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
