he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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