he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
