I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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