Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
