You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
