O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
