It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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