my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
