I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
