got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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