I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
