Your dad touched me again.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
