hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
