When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You may now shotgun with the bride
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
