Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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