Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
