im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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