I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
