fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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