On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
