I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
