I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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