I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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