dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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