I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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