theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize