she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
