Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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