I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize