he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
