Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
