I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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