another moral hangover. fuck.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize