Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
