but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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