Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
