If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
