My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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