he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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