What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
