Your dad touched me again.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
