I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
