i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
