I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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