I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
