The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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