I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
