I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
