Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
