Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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