When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
