By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
