Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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