I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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