barbara walters just said penis...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
