it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
