I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
