the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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