Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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