Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
